creativity struggles

I am supposed to go into uni tomorrow. And present "my work so far" for a mid session review. I haven't done much thinking about it at all. I feel lost. I am sick of pretentious, conceptual thinking! I don't even feel I want to make art for the sake of art anymore. Everything I do or plan to do, just so I don't fail feels like a cop out sort of work.

So What?

I feel I've been forced to apply that to my thinking..

so you are going to take other people's photos and cut out the people from them..? so what?

exactly so what.

What do I do then?

Do I keep rolling around in creative-less puddles?

Did you know that the extent of my creativity these days extends to tidying walls of fabric and putting them in order by their colour?

I can't create.

I am a photography student that can't take good photos.
Who can't do anything properly.
Everyone is so much better then me. Younger and better then me. They have more money and more talent then I do.

I don't need any false re-assurance. I need to avoid failing.

Nature

I am disappointed. I let a whole month pass without a post....and for that I am quite sorry.

I got a job! Plus uni has kept me pretty preoccupied. Though lately, I've been yearning to get in touch with my my spiritual side. Which is why I've been wanting to go on a short trip somewhere for a while now. Interstate or even in the same state is fine, but I am yearning to get in touch with the land. Australia really is a truly magnificent place and I think I just want to 'feel'.

Back in school, we had the opportunity to stay at Bundanon, Arthur Boyd's property on the Shoalhaven river, the first time I had ever went on a 'camping' trip. But to my liking, since there was no roughing it out. The facilities and accomodation were magnificent, and the air was cleaner. Our days filled with art and creativity as we overlooked the river.

There was a moment on that property that I truly relish. We were returning from an activity, walking through a grassy paddock. It had to be due to the perfect combination of light, from a setting sun, the clean air and the way it was cool on my skin. I was just walking, but it was the most magnificent walk in my life. For a moment, I appreciated nature. Life. There was nothing else about that moment but absolute pureness.

I miss that. I am afraid to never reach that state of 'enlightenment' again.
In saying that. I find it very hard to explain the spiritual side of me. If only I connect on that level to others. To extend that feeling of bliss.

I feel the monotony of daily life cling on to my shoulders. It jumps on your back and grips on tightly. Everyone begins to carry that monster with them. It feeds on negativity and grows and grows like a cancer. I feel the worst when I am cramped amongst commuters on the train in the morning. My monster feeds off everyone and the grey gloom manifests.

Now, I feel the weight travel to my feet. I am exhasuted. Daily.
Now, I feel the loneliness.
The monster feeds and feeds.
Cynicism is its drug.

But tiny strings keep me elevated. Enough to know that the monster is truly weak.

Only nature will shrink it.